 Name: Burton
Age: 16 - 19
Nationality: Korean Chinese
D.O.B: July 18th, 1988
Zodiac: Cancer, Dragon
Area: North Shore Line, Chatswood
School: Chatswood High School
Sex : Male
Marital Status: Single
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Saturday
No matter what I ever say, none of my words could ever get through to you. A thousand words of sorrow, but a million memories of passion and intimacy, as much as anything would change, things that have happened won’t. I’ve believed in you, us, and myself till the very last minute. We’ve both tried so hard, too hard, but it was all worth it, because we believed from the beginning till the end?everything was real.
It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t an illusion, because the truth is, everything, every moment shared, and every bit of feeling involved, was kept to ourselves, locked away into the center of our hearts, kept there forever, to be cherished.
Sometimes people, or even we would believe such a thought is stupid and ridiculous. Sounds like a fairy tale, but it isn’t, even though what we hoped to have happened, the ending, wasn’t what we wanted, we lived, we met, and we shared, till the moment when we just know that we weren’t going for the same thing or can’t give the thing that our partners needed.
You said all you ever needed was me, and I said the same to you too, because I meant it, and because you did too, but at the end it wasn’t just you or me that waited for something like a miracle to seal us together, but it was a belief we shared and hoped to continue with what we had, to never break apart.
There were misunderstandings from the beginning till the end, and because those misunderstandings were never cleared like you said, then it became a problem, till the very day we had to be apart till the minute when we were just close friends.
It’s too late to put anything back together, but to maintain or try to hold onto the last thing that may ever connect us in anyway is all I can ever do now, there is nothing to argue about, there was nothing there that was really a cause for any tension or anxiety, the problem was me, with the way I managed friends, and how I mislead certain situations.
We’ve been in each other’s hearts long enough to know what were like, I was never the smart person when it came to my own emotional or relationship problems, and I just didn’t know how to sort things out, so I just tend to leave it, and your right, it got worse. I didn’t do anything about it, and you kept pushing me?to the extent where I didn’t know what to do but to let you decide for me?
You did?it wasn’t exactly what I hoped, it made me really awkward, I didn’t feel myself anymore, but I didn’t want to lose you, so I did everything within my ability to have you there.
You stood beside me till the minute I was drug infused to the minute I tried to be myself again, that stage came with a lot of complications and emotional break downs for both of us, I’ve said and showed so many wrong signs and things that got us here, I’m not asking for forgiveness but for you to actually know that I’ve understood my wrong doings.
My heart was with you, feel it, look for it within you, that’s your answer to the direction of my love, you, but you felt too insecure to understand. You took the words I left, and made your mistakes, and I made mine, the fact I didn’t say or stop you from getting the wrong message or simply because I didn’t try to correct, my mistakes set the relationship, it carried on till we broke up, till now?you hate me?lt;br>
I wanted you to stay by my side so bad, so much, I would yearn for your presence beside me everyday, but you thought it was something else. I tried so hard to make things right, but I guess I wasn’t putting enough effort into anything, like the efforts you did by trying to put me together.
You gave me a sense of humour, a sense of comfort, and for the first time in five years, I felt loved and close with someone, you. Four parts to my heart, your right, but you’re the key to putting the pieces together, because you’re the only one that placed it together and held it together, you were the core.
I miss you, and whatever it is, I don’t know how to confront you, because I know one thing?is that I owe you too much to put you through anymore, nor the idea of me having anything that I can possibly give you. You won’t ever understand these reasons unless you really tried to see things like I did, that’s why we live two different lives.
Sleeping is getting harder, it’s back to how it used to be, alone?cold?quiet?dark?no more laughter and warmth, the presence of someone important is left with a bear, a bear with a very faint scent of his rightful owner. I can’t stop thinking how you are or how you’ve been or simply what you’re doing?
I still remember when I first went to your house but I didn’t go in, you remember? You were scared and called several times to see who was home, by the time we got there, your dog was barking, and I was sitting in the car waiting for you, you went in to get something, and when you came back I told you, I pictured your house differently to the way you described it in our conversations over the phone. How I believed your room was above your garage and underneath your room window there was a little roof that stood out to cover the balcony stairs. We used to talk so much laugh so much, till you had to change your phone plan to suit me, $1200 a month? I slowly grew sick of the phone and then at the end you changed it back.
The second time when I went to your house, actually went there, to stay over and to have dinner? We were late, really late, got there your dad gave you some awkward moments, first thing he said “you seem like you were coming back from Canberra? gave me a look, a nod, and walked off, met your mum, and she was cooking, and all you ever told me to do was to just sit down and be quiet. sister came home for dinner halfway, kept me company while you were savoring a whole mango on the other table. Before we slept on that night, we held each other so close, because we had to sleep in separate rooms, after the hugging, we moved onto sleep, because you had work the next day, I got bored and couldn’t sleep, started messaging you till we both got tired, woke up the next day and found you there with a toothbrush in your mouth, waking me up for work.
You told me once to look back on everything one day, and acknowledge your presence, and I’m telling you I’m doing that now, and I’ve done that before. Maybe if you looked back, you would understand, I’m not good at expressing myself in reality, and I just hope this time, by leaving words for you, you would understand or try, I know your not going to believe what I have to say to you most of the time, just one last time?feel?how I’m feeling now?lt;br>
You have every reason to hate me, I broke what we hoped to seal, the bond, feelings that were there. I left everything behind, I wanted to exclude you out of my problems. I couldn’t hold onto “I won’t abandon you, if you won’t abandon me? the problem was me, I was the issue that got between us.
It wasn’t just memories or just feelings, you made me feel content, you gave me a life, you gave me a chance to be someone new, your cut I know, I left you at the end. I left because mainly because I wanted to stop receiving, for you to stop giving, I believed you deserved someone better. You’ll never understand how I feel, because I don’t know myself, were both selfish and biased in our own ways, I see your point, but do you see mine?
Words may say so much and mean so much, but I just hoped for once you would see, feel, and understand that everything I do?is nothing?but?a simple message I’m trying to ever get to you?“I Love You? You are one of the three greatest things that ever happened to me, I’m glad I ever asked that stupid, embarrassing but worthy question, that second time I met you, “Would you slap me if I kissed you??
P.s. Cast me away all you want, but I’m telling you for the last time, I never cheated your feelings or was I ever disloyal. This time will be the last time I’ll be explaining anything, and I’m not hoping for a reply or anything at all, just for you to understand…you were my everything.
Posted at Saturday, April 08, 2006 by Enkei
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Friday
This Blog Will Not Be Used Anymore Due To Personal Reasons
Posted at Friday, April 07, 2006 by Enkei
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Thursday
Wow it's been a while, a while since i entered an entry, it's rather suprising how this blog can actually record so much, enough to say that this blog recorded the past two years events of ups and downs from anger to depression from laughter to tears, from groups of friends to individuality, things do change alot, so much it all just seems like yesterday.
Back in the old days, everyone would just have so much fun without people going against each other, when everyone would have equal respect, but now it's just such a joke when everyones going there own way and calling each other shifty or sly, why? Because they forget about the past and chose to move on and meet new people, thinking higher of their standards, getting all big headed.
I've had a rough time and sure has alot of my friends, you, and there were times i was there and when i wasn't you would always be able to find a certain answer here to the certain question you would ask yourself, your inner self.
Friends come and go, friends live and die, but does it always have to come to the point for someone to leave in your life to learn how to reminescence and miss? I really hope that the people i know so called friends and brothers and sisters aren't like that, i made a mistake to the way i was supposed to plan things, and i lost my big sister Judy, but i won't give up on bonding the relationship back with her, because i believe that there's alot of time left ahead and coming, and in this time i wouldn't care how long, but to achieve what i've set out for is the biggest accomplishment.
Because i cherish her presence, who she was then and now to me still, because i wouldn't care or choose other options in front of me over her, because she is someone to me, but sometimes when you realise when it's gone, it may be too late, but if your always striving for the best, and hoping for better, as much as i believe that everyone has a someone, friend or partner, i'm sure there isn't a reason to make things uncomfortable between each other.
Nuna~ i hope you understand, it's just a misunderstanding between us and that you would forgive me one day, for that i did not choose you over anyone but my grandmother, i did not dog but misunderstood, i did not abuse but stressed, because my family needs you, without my older sister, it's not a family, i'm sorry for what i caused, but i hope in time you would give me another chance and believe in again as a brother.
Gangs, how long is this going to go for? Every day, month even year there is a new breed of generations all hoping to be someone, can you fight every one of them or could you even choose them over your oldest friends? No, when you grow, you would know how to think, to think what's right and wrong, and i've seen an older brother lose a close friend back then because of gangs, but because he holds onto that friendship they made up, gangs ruin friendships too, and what i hope within, is that i won't have to see friends fighting friends.
I don't know how long i'm going to live, but i want to be happy for the people around me, and like i always say, to hope for peace and to hope that i may be of use for people that are there that need my support, advice or simply presence, i will always be here, because i want that friendship to last.
I don't know if wishes come true, but work to mend emotions that are depressed and misunderstood, because that repairs the flaws to hopes, hopes we all have for each other and for ourselves.
Take care everyone and enjoy my last entry.
Burton
p.s. Cherish what's in front of you, if you lose them don't weep, because there is someone else out there that still has faith, care and love for you more than anyone, don't search but just let it come...
Posted at Thursday, April 06, 2006 by Enkei
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Wednesday
Ever wonder what a rose means, signifies? Why is it such a simple thing that can simplify so many feelings or appreciation and love, i got bored and looked up every colour ^^ just to find out what the meaning was, and it's rather suprising ^^
Red roses say ¡§I love you¡¨ and also stand for respect and courage.
Rosebuds symbolize beauty, youth and a heart innocent of love or: ¡§You are young and beautiful.¡¨
Red rosebuds mean ¡§pure and lovely¡¨ and white rosebuds signify girlhood or ¡§too young to love.¡¨ The moss rosebud stands for confessions of love.
A single rose stands for simplicity. In full bloom, it means ¡§I love you¡¨ or ¡§I love you still,¡¨ and a bouquet of roses in full bloom signifies gratitude.
White roses have several meanings: ¡§You¡¦re heavenly,¡¨ reverence and humility, innocence and purity, ¡§I¡¦m worthy of you,¡¨ and secrecy and silence.
Red and white roses together, or white roses with red edges, signify unity.
Pink roses in general symbolize grace and gentility. For more subtle shades of meaning, choose deep pink to stand for gratitude and appreciation. Light pink conveys admiration and sympathy.
Yellow roses usually stand for joy and gladness, but can also say ¡§try to care.¡¨
Red and yellow blends stand for jovial and happy feelings.
Coral or orange roses denote enthusiasm and desire.
A deep burgundy rose means ¡§unconscious beauty.¡¨
Pale colors convey sociability and friendship.
Hybrid tea roses mean ¡§I¡¦ll remember you always¡¨ and sweetheart roses symbolize just what their name implies.
Two roses taped or wired together to form a single stem signal an engagement or coming marriage.
A full blown rose placed over two buds forms a combination that signifies secrecy.
Withered white roses have two meanings: fleeting beauty and ¡§you made no impression.¡¨
A crown made of roses signifies reward or virtue.
Rose leaves are a symbol of hope.
Posted at Wednesday, April 05, 2006 by Enkei
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Tuesday
Grandmothers' going hospital soon for her cancer operation, haven't had a decent sleep for 3 weeks now without having people overly worried, she's my only family and the one i ever love most or respect, faith, i do but don't have enough, 80 years old, i found myself in a speechless position when i just look back to all the years of love and devotion she placed in me, and if she was to leave me now or ever, i would trully feel the pain and tears i would shed for her presence.
I'm depressed i admit, depressed enough to shut down from alot of people, now i just hope and that i pray up God, as i'm catholic, i hope for all my sins that he would forgive and help and guide my grandmother through.
i hope to be there for her now, but my 2nd deepest regrets and dark moments begin now, as i regret that i never spent more time beside her before any of this happened, i can feel the pain, the pain of losing someone close to me... again...
Posted at Tuesday, April 04, 2006 by Enkei
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Monday
Days have gone past, and everyday is just more and more annoying, people pushing me, people annoying me, work gets out of hand, and sometimes you would feel unmotivated to do anything. Sometimes i wish someone would be here beside me to help me, someone that understands and can support me, but in order to aquire someone like that beside you, you must prove that your worthy to receive.
Things can be prepared, but in order for the process to be running, it would require the chance to be activated to move, sometimes i feel as if everything around me is not realy leaving me with a good option but to end me, myself....
Death...?
Simple things, hard things are both things that take time to achieve, and time is always against me, i'm in a bad mood, i'm not in a good mood, and i really hate whatever it is that's happening around me.
I GIVE!
Posted at Monday, April 03, 2006 by Enkei
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Sunday
same fucking, every fucking day, work my ass off and die at the end of the day, cool~ that kinda rhymes newaiz, fukn exhuasted, just worked my ass off, can't be sure what i'm typing, but just typing any fucking thing that comes in mind, and WALAA~! cool ehy? i can be so pathetic.
For the people that wanna kill me, i'm not dead =P *doubt anyone does really* for all the people that hasn't seen me and yer wondering IF i'm dead, no i'm not i'm still here living and sitting on my fat ass trying to learn to be a good boy, so you people be good stay out of trouble and have a fanatic and fantastic holiday, and lay off da drugz ^^
so yeh, bai dudez n dudez ^^
B
Posted at Sunday, April 02, 2006 by Enkei
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Saturday
There wasn't much times that we shared that was fun, because we were always too busy with our other friends, but i will never forget the times when you tried to be there for me and talk to me, understand me.
I can never ever forget the times we made pranks to each other on the phone, calling up just to play a joke, and especially the time you pretended to be some girl interested in me and trying to chat me up, the smile you gave me was always the thing that made me warm and secure at the most depressing times.
The night when i got the call, was just a blur and a confused moment for me, i didn't know if you were pranking me, i don't know if your friend was with you in it, but the second phone call made it real.
I was miserable and i can't believe the last image of you would be at Bankstown, knowing all the things that has happened this year, i didn't expect worse but now i've lost another close friend.
I miss you already, you were always a true friend to anyone, now i hope you can rest in peace.
Remembering Always
B
p.s. Vi had always been everyones friend, and the sorrow we share will always be something that can never be forgotten. 16th November, 2005
Posted at Saturday, April 01, 2006 by Enkei
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Sunday
The rain, just never seems to bring
the joy, I feel the same
everlasting pain of my loss remains
My heart, can't seem to learn to part
the hold you left the mark
all that I dreamed of now it seems so stark
Though I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how i was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
If you gave me, one more chance to tell you how i was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and you know,
I'd never let you go
The way, you left me on the train
I don't know what to say
I remember everything on that day
I can't believe we'd never dance
I just need one more chance
to share the sunset our one last romance
Posted at Sunday, March 12, 2006 by Enkei
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Thursday
Came back from a holiday last week and it was so cool! lol went to da beach house with some friends and my girlfriend and docked dragged out to the sea by the strong currents and got drunk with friends like there's no tomorrow lol it was awrite, wasn't too far most of all was i had some privacy with my girlfriend, just having fun and relaxing.
It was a great idea dat she suggested, veri thoughtful, a veri nice stress relief lol aftaz we go so wasted that we just fully conked out and just wanted to stay sleeping, i conked out forh 2 dayz, drinking is funky ^^
been drinking alot recently hahaha i'm drug free ya hay!!
Posted at Thursday, March 31, 2005 by Enkei
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