No matter what I ever say, none of my words could ever get through to you. A thousand words of sorrow, but a million memories of passion and intimacy, as much as anything would change, things that have happened won’t. I’ve believed in you, us, and myself till the very last minute. We’ve both tried so hard, too hard, but it was all worth it, because we believed from the beginning till the end?everything was real.
It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t an illusion, because the truth is, everything, every moment shared, and every bit of feeling involved, was kept to ourselves, locked away into the center of our hearts, kept there forever, to be cherished.
Sometimes people, or even we would believe such a thought is stupid and ridiculous. Sounds like a fairy tale, but it isn’t, even though what we hoped to have happened, the ending, wasn’t what we wanted, we lived, we met, and we shared, till the moment when we just know that we weren’t going for the same thing or can’t give the thing that our partners needed.
You said all you ever needed was me, and I said the same to you too, because I meant it, and because you did too, but at the end it wasn’t just you or me that waited for something like a miracle to seal us together, but it was a belief we shared and hoped to continue with what we had, to never break apart.
There were misunderstandings from the beginning till the end, and because those misunderstandings were never cleared like you said, then it became a problem, till the very day we had to be apart till the minute when we were just close friends.
It’s too late to put anything back together, but to maintain or try to hold onto the last thing that may ever connect us in anyway is all I can ever do now, there is nothing to argue about, there was nothing there that was really a cause for any tension or anxiety, the problem was me, with the way I managed friends, and how I mislead certain situations.
We’ve been in each other’s hearts long enough to know what were like, I was never the smart person when it came to my own emotional or relationship problems, and I just didn’t know how to sort things out, so I just tend to leave it, and your right, it got worse. I didn’t do anything about it, and you kept pushing me?to the extent where I didn’t know what to do but to let you decide for me?
You did?it wasn’t exactly what I hoped, it made me really awkward, I didn’t feel myself anymore, but I didn’t want to lose you, so I did everything within my ability to have you there.
You stood beside me till the minute I was drug infused to the minute I tried to be myself again, that stage came with a lot of complications and emotional break downs for both of us, I’ve said and showed so many wrong signs and things that got us here, I’m not asking for forgiveness but for you to actually know that I’ve understood my wrong doings.
My heart was with you, feel it, look for it within you, that’s your answer to the direction of my love, you, but you felt too insecure to understand. You took the words I left, and made your mistakes, and I made mine, the fact I didn’t say or stop you from getting the wrong message or simply because I didn’t try to correct, my mistakes set the relationship, it carried on till we broke up, till now?you hate me?lt;br>
I wanted you to stay by my side so bad, so much, I would yearn for your presence beside me everyday, but you thought it was something else. I tried so hard to make things right, but I guess I wasn’t putting enough effort into anything, like the efforts you did by trying to put me together.
You gave me a sense of humour, a sense of comfort, and for the first time in five years, I felt loved and close with someone, you. Four parts to my heart, your right, but you’re the key to putting the pieces together, because you’re the only one that placed it together and held it together, you were the core.
I miss you, and whatever it is, I don’t know how to confront you, because I know one thing?is that I owe you too much to put you through anymore, nor the idea of me having anything that I can possibly give you. You won’t ever understand these reasons unless you really tried to see things like I did, that’s why we live two different lives.
Sleeping is getting harder, it’s back to how it used to be, alone?cold?quiet?dark?no more laughter and warmth, the presence of someone important is left with a bear, a bear with a very faint scent of his rightful owner. I can’t stop thinking how you are or how you’ve been or simply what you’re doing?
I still remember when I first went to your house but I didn’t go in, you remember? You were scared and called several times to see who was home, by the time we got there, your dog was barking, and I was sitting in the car waiting for you, you went in to get something, and when you came back I told you, I pictured your house differently to the way you described it in our conversations over the phone. How I believed your room was above your garage and underneath your room window there was a little roof that stood out to cover the balcony stairs. We used to talk so much laugh so much, till you had to change your phone plan to suit me, $1200 a month? I slowly grew sick of the phone and then at the end you changed it back.
The second time when I went to your house, actually went there, to stay over and to have dinner? We were late, really late, got there your dad gave you some awkward moments, first thing he said “you seem like you were coming back from Canberra? gave me a look, a nod, and walked off, met your mum, and she was cooking, and all you ever told me to do was to just sit down and be quiet. sister came home for dinner halfway, kept me company while you were savoring a whole mango on the other table. Before we slept on that night, we held each other so close, because we had to sleep in separate rooms, after the hugging, we moved onto sleep, because you had work the next day, I got bored and couldn’t sleep, started messaging you till we both got tired, woke up the next day and found you there with a toothbrush in your mouth, waking me up for work.
You told me once to look back on everything one day, and acknowledge your presence, and I’m telling you I’m doing that now, and I’ve done that before. Maybe if you looked back, you would understand, I’m not good at expressing myself in reality, and I just hope this time, by leaving words for you, you would understand or try, I know your not going to believe what I have to say to you most of the time, just one last time?feel?how I’m feeling now?lt;br>
You have every reason to hate me, I broke what we hoped to seal, the bond, feelings that were there. I left everything behind, I wanted to exclude you out of my problems. I couldn’t hold onto “I won’t abandon you, if you won’t abandon me? the problem was me, I was the issue that got between us.
It wasn’t just memories or just feelings, you made me feel content, you gave me a life, you gave me a chance to be someone new, your cut I know, I left you at the end. I left because mainly because I wanted to stop receiving, for you to stop giving, I believed you deserved someone better. You’ll never understand how I feel, because I don’t know myself, were both selfish and biased in our own ways, I see your point, but do you see mine?
Words may say so much and mean so much, but I just hoped for once you would see, feel, and understand that everything I do?is nothing?but?a simple message I’m trying to ever get to you?“I Love You? You are one of the three greatest things that ever happened to me, I’m glad I ever asked that stupid, embarrassing but worthy question, that second time I met you, “Would you slap me if I kissed you??
P.s. Cast me away all you want, but I’m telling you for the last time, I never cheated your feelings or was I ever disloyal. This time will be the last time I’ll be explaining anything, and I’m not hoping for a reply or anything at all, just for you to understand…you were my everything.
Posted at Saturday, April 08, 2006 by
Enkei
